Nosarans woke this morning to the surreal news that Gwynneth Paltrow has bought both the Surfing Nosara building and the Rich Burnham media empire, consisting of Rich Burnham Podcast, This Week in Nosara, and Bearded Guy does Surf Check.
Details are still emerging, but sources within Surfing Nosara have confirmed the following:
- Surfing Nosara will no longer have a brick-and-mortar location; instead, they will hang out and drink coffee and talk smack at Olo Alaia, which is pretty much all they ever do anyhow.
- Paltrow is in negotiations with Burnham to continue as podcast host, with the precondition that he never talks about septic tanks again. The revamped podcast will focus exclusively on skincare and wellness, with occasional spicy forays into sexually charged topics.
- Bearded Guy Goes to the Beach will be rebranded into a men’s grooming segment, sponsored by Total Body Shaver, currently the number one dual-purpose manscaping-and-masturbation accessory on Amazon, with over 15000 positive reviews and only 3 injury reports.
- The fate of This Week in Nosara remains unclear. Attorneys from Paltrow’s organization have sent out feelers to Nosara Lately, asking if we might be interested in taking over editorial control of the program, citing ‘a need for new direction’. Nosara Lately has retained the lawyer-who-also-runs-a-head-shop across from Bodhi Tree to advise us on this complicated ethical issue.
- The Surfing Nosara building will become the new home of Nosara Skincare, a flagship store for Paltrow’s extensive line of skincare products and nutritional supplements. Art-deco escalators will be installed to carry qualified clients upwards to the second floor, where smaller, personalized boutique shopping experiences await – all within the Paltrow product empire. Jimbo Truing’s office – with its commanding views of Rosies and downtown Guiones – will become home to Gwynneths Personal Touch, an ultra-discreet, try-before-you-buy sex toy boutique featuring the complete line of Gwynneths lesser-known self-care products. What will become of the other offices is – as yet – unclear.
The Surfing Nosara partners will reportedly receive more than four million dollars from the deal, allowing Burnham to buy several more guitars and Jimbo Truing to get the advanced LASIK surgery he needs, due to his transplanted husky eyes gradually wearing out. Only a handful of veterinarians and military clinics in the far north of Finland are qualified to do this surgery, at significant cost. Truing also expressed the hope that he can get his truck fixed.
When asked how this all began – about what exactly led him to give up septic systems as the core focus of his personal and professional life – Burnham shared a deeply personal anecdote.
“I was interviewing Nissan Solan – I have her on the show a lot – and we were really getting into it, about mold in HVAC systems. She was totally red-pilling me on it. Then I finally looked down at my phone, where people were supposed to be sending in questions for Nissan, about mold in their AC systems. But none of the messages were about mold. All they wanted to know was how Nissan managed to have such thick, full-bodied hair. What her skin care secrets were. How she could smile so much and not have wrinkles.”
At this, Burnham paused. “The ground fell completely out from underneath me. I knew I could never talk about HVAC or septic systems ever again.”
Burnham began to tear up. As journalists, we wanted to dig deeper, to understand more about his pain, about how Paltrow came into the picture. We wanted to know Nissan’s secrets for full-bodied hair and beautiful skin. But – given the situation – we recognized all of this would have to wait for Part 2 of this report.
Shoulder the burden of active citizenry homie, leave a comment
