And – spoiler alert – I booked a follow-up.

Nosara Lately Consumer Report: The Kyle Mitchri Experience

For many months now, whispers have swirled through Nosara about the Kyle Mitchri Chest Hair Experience – regarded as perhaps the hottest ticket in Nosara’s extensive Spiritual Marketplace. Both women and men have described the mini-sessions as “beyond language” and “impossible to articulate.” Nosara Lately – always determined to help our readers hack their way through the spiritual and sexual jungle that is Nosara – decided to send our own Shani Moonwater –  Tantric goddess, Sexual healer, and hard-hitting NL reporter – to investigate what actually happens during the Kyle Mitchri 10-Minute Chest Hair Portal Experience. Our readers can rest assured that Shanti approached the session with journalistic skepticism, determined to remain objective about whatever therapeutic claims Mitchri would make.

These are her notes from the session:

The session began with Kyle and I locking gazes. He took my hands and drew them softly into his chest hair – explaining  quietly that the chest hair work “activates dormant receptors in the fingertips that connect directly to the sacral chakra.” These words seemed to float into the sky and disappear. I knew my fingers were deep in his chest hair, but all I could feel was a sacred river running through me. Kyle seemed to notice this and whispered, That’s ok. Don’t resist.”

By minute five, I knew I was in journalistic trouble. Kyle knew this, too. He whispered, “Shanti, maybe you should surrender to this experience, instead of trying to document it.” I tried to resist, but I was lost in his chest hair, completely defenseless – and at this very moment,  when I was about to surrender to his chest hair completely – he offered me the Conscious Tickling add-on for an additional $20 –  his voice coming from somwhere far away, saying something about how the light play of his fingers would access “deeper layers of vulnerability”.

Minutes six through nine I cannot remember at all. The recording on my phone captured Mitchri saying multiple times, “This is the deepest work”.

When it was over, I found myself strangely unable to articulate the experience. For my readers, I will insert the placeholder of  “it was very grounding”. Reluctantly, I must admit that  –  despite my own deep  –  often nightly – experience with somatic finger work, Kyle accessed something in my sacral portal I didn’t know existed.

Mitchri later noted that his chest hair work seems to have had a clear impact on relationship health in Nosara, with many guys in the line-up mentioning randomly that their partners seem much happier than normal lately. “This is my way of giving back to Nosara” said Mitchri. “I’m helping to balance the community’s energy, one session at a time.“​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

My journalistic integrity already hopelessly compromised in this matter, I have booked a follow-up appointment for Friday. With the tickle add-on.