Word began to spread through Guiones last night that all was not well with Gwynneth Paltrow’s landmark purchase of Surfing Nosara.
By dawn, the four-million-dollar deal was in flames.
We begin our reporting with a quick summary of overnight developments:
- Rich Burnham – co-owner of Surfing Nosara and star of Bearded Guy Checks the Surf – has gone missing, leaving his cell phone, his Total Body Shaver, and a half-eaten Tuna Poke on a plastic chair outside Olo Alaia.
- The 3rd-grade class at Casa Estrellas was in tears and receiving outside counseling, having spent the whole week making paper flags for Tuesday’s Paltrow Parade in Guiones, which is now Definitely Not Gonna Happen.
- Paltrow’s lawyers filed a 10 million dollar lawsuit against Surfing Nosara in the San Jose district court, alleging breach of contract by Burnham and ‘intentional infliction of emotional distress’ on Paltrow. Sources tell Nosara Lately that in at least two voice mails to Gwynneth Paltrow’s private number yesterday, Burnham uttered the words ‘sceptic tank’ – a blatant violation of at least seven different clauses in the four-million-dollar purchase agreement.
- A second, unidentified voice can allegedly be heard in the voicemails to Paltrow. Forensic experts are being tight-lipped, but Nosara Lately has learned that this voice belongs to a man with an Australian accent who is apparently urging Burnham on, repeatedly saying phrases such as ‘rise up, brother’, ‘your time is now’, and ‘speak your truth’.
- Jimbo Truing, reached on a military plane in airspace over Sweden, said ‘Are you fucking kidding me?” more than once as we recapped the night’s developments. We then lost contact with Truing, but our FlightAware app showed the plane continuing north, despite the bottom falling out of the Paltrow deal.
- Local surfers and a coalition of nearly 40 young women with current or former crushes on Truing have started a Go-Fund-Me campaign to ensure that Truing receives his eye transplant. A young female husky whose eyes genetically match Truing’s eyes was hit by a snowmobile in northern Finland yesterday, and the 72-hour transplant window is closing fast.
- Discussions are underway among therapists in Garza about transforming the third graders’ crushing grief over Paltrow into hopeful young emotions about Truing’s eye transplant. Blue crayons are on hand as teachers await the go-ahead.
Given the dizzying speed of these developments, Nosara Lately does not intend to speculate – yet – on what actually caused the Paltrow deal to collapse, or what tragedy has befallen Burnham. Instead, we will play our part in healing the community by highlighting the following feel-good developments:
- Flowers, letters, wreaths, photographs, cookies, and bright red Keds – all addressed to “Bearded Guy in Nosara” –Â are streaming in from all over the world. These are being randomly delivered all over Nosara today, as the only Correos Costa Rica driver in Guanacaste desperately attempts to get rid of all the crazy shit in his truck.
- Olo Alaia plans to hold a vigil, acoustic jam, and a possible memorial service for Burnham tomorrow evening outside Olo Alaia. Taco trucks will be in place, and Blue Zone will be serving their new winter IPA.
- Local lawyer Andres Gonzales has offered his pro-bono services to represent Surfing Nosara against the multi-million dollar lawsuit filed by Paltrow’s attorneys. “There’s clear evidence that Burnham may have been under duress,” said Andreas, referring to the mysterious ‘second voice’ in the voice mails.
- Local dog walkers have established a WhatsApp channel to coordinate care for Sandy, Jimbo’s dog. This group has now been discovered by the GoFundMe group, and with more than 40 young women now projecting their emotions onto her, Sandy has completely forgotten Jimbo.
- Super Nosara has donated 100 blue crayons to the children of Garza, and is standing by with more colors, including gold, brown, and umber, in case the therapists in Garza decide that Sandy is more approachable than Jimbo’s eyes.
- The Young Hotties of Guiones – secret sauce of Bearded Guy Checks the Surf – have vowed to carry on bravely until Rich returns, saying they will post YouTube surf checks every morning. Franco-the-parking-guy has pledged cameo appearances, along with many of the random beach hobos known for their cameos in Bearded Guy Checks the Surf.
At times like these, we at Nosara Lately can only express gratitude and appreciation for this special community that we find ourselves in. Our thoughts go out to Burnham, Sandy, and even Gwynneth. We encourage our readers to carry out whatever devotional or pottery-based ritual they feel called to.  And when we are all done – when the pottery wheel stops – when the singing bowls go silent – when the Yoni Throne releases it’s very last steam – then, and only then – let us shoulder the burden of a new Nosara day, with hope in our hearts, and breakfast burittos on our minds.
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