Hackers backdoored the Del Mar Mom app overnight and downloaded the entire Del Mar Mom database, containing credit card numbers, personal information, and the intimate daily activity of nearly three thousand Del Mar Moms.
The actual number of Del Mar Moms is estimated to be somewhat lower – around 147 – but the quick access the app offers to tuk-tuks and cleaning ladies – along with the buttery smooth user experience on both Android and Apple – have lured many Nosarans to check off the “I certify that I am a Del Mar Mom” box – thinking ‘how stupid is this’ – before sipping their wine, and clicking onwards towards the full Del Mar Mom experience.
The hackers left their calling card. As the Moms of Del Mar logged in this morning, they were greeted by a pentagram carved into a cracked concrete wall, with “Nosara Noche” spray-painted across the top. This image pulsed on their screens several times, then their phones went black.
Nosara Noche is, as many of our readers know, the legendary homegrown hacking collective from Arenales, widely credited with taking down the Costa Rican government’s entire internal data network two years ago. But Nosara Lately wants to be very clear with our readers – there is no known connection between Nosara Noche and Noche D Nosara, beloved local DJ.
“Man, are you shitting me?” said Noche, reached by phone this morning. We understood the tone of his voice. It’s not easy to be a young DJ trying to make your way in the world when you are mistaken for a criminal organization every step of the way. In an interview last year, Noche told us how black Prados were constantly showing up at his house, trying to drop off duffel bags full of cash, hard drives, and young, Eastern European girls. “I finally put a QR code on the door with a Waze pin for Arenales,” he said. “Eventually, they find it and go away.”
The hack of Del Mar Moms has sent shockwaves through the Del Mar community. Nearly everyone had their Black Del Mar Visa Card info stored in the app. Increasingly desperate and lacking context, the Moms of Del Mar spent the morning slamming Kerugs into the machine and googling ‘hackers’ and ‘dark web’ on their iPhones. Golden retrievers went unwalked. Pilates classes were forgotten. Group chats were on fire, with caffination and desperation leading to widespread typos, run-on paragraphs, and no emojis being used at all. Several moms simply left their phones on the counter and curled up in fetal positions. The prospect of their deepest secrets being released onto the Dark Web – intimate details of where their Tuk Tuks took them during the day, all the Lobo purchases, and the Very Personal Wellness Services paid for with their Black Del Mar Visa cards. “It just wasn’t worth the points,” sobbed one, over and over.
The true extent of the hack is just becoming clear. Statistics that Nosara Lately has seen suggest that nearly all of the 2500 fake Del Mar Moms on the popular app also checked off a very similar box on the Black Del Mar Visa application – publicly available on the Del Mar Academy website.
“It was a status symbol,” said one of the fake Del Mar Moms, who did not wish to be identified. “You saw it getting flashed everywhere. Scarpettos. La Cathedral. Beach Blend. If you did not have that card, you were nothing.”
The hack is already reverberating through the local business community. While nearly 40 percent of Nosarans have completely transitioned into using Energy Exchange as their primary payment method, Nosara’s higher-end demographic – including nearly all Del Mar Moms – has not. As cards were frantically canceled and fed into garbage disposals all over Las Huacas this morning, online bookings at local high-end wellness services such as Tuk-Tuk-Hunk, Latrisha’s Yoni Steam Palace, and The Kyle Mitchri Chest Hair Portal completely dried up.
Noche Nosara is known for rapidly and efficiently monetizing its hacks. Deciding to check the dark web for ourselves, we downloaded the latest overnight build of Tails off GitHub, did a quick Linux build, and fired up Tor. A quick check of several Dark Market Telegram chats showed no Del Mar Mom chatter anywhere – forcing us to reach out to our own carefully cultivated news and occasional MDA sources deep within the dark web. We spawned a couple of encrypted Telegram channels in fresh, sandboxed builds of Firefox, put out the word, and waited.
Soon, the blinking cursor on our screen began to move.
“Yo”, our guy responded, always ready to throw down some Baltimore flavor. “This shit is juicy Holmes.. You won’t believe what these Moms get up to. But here’s the thing, yo – there might be a white label buyer. If that happens, all those Del Mar Moms can chill. No one will know all the freaky shit they get up to.”
A rough translation might go like this: the unique Venn-diagram footprint of the hack – a small group of affluent women with well-developed spending patterns, intimate online chat habits, and regular Pilates attendance – was very attractive to legitimate, above-board consumer marketing aggregators – and Nosara Noche had apparently already gotten several hard offers. “But ima tell ya man,” said our guy,” no matter what, when I run in to you next time homie, ima tell you some shit you won’t believe.”
The cursor stopped, then faded away. With Tor already fired up and Telegram still open, our thoughts naturally turned to ketamine and firearms. But then the word ‘Scarpettas’ suddenly drifted through our minds – swimming up from our conversation with fake Del Mar Mom. And as everyone in this town knows, once you start thinking about a hot Scarpettas sandwich, oh lord. There is no pushing that thought away.
Off we went.
