The residents of North Guiones awoke yesterday morning to find their beloved local high-end 4×4 dealership, Black Box transformed into Pink Box – the luxury sex toy and vagina-scented candle boutique that North Guiones has long been demanding. Few imagined that it would be Gwyneth Paltrow herself who would answer their calls.
Gwyneth Paltrow herself was in place when the store opened, welcoming a small family from Ohio who mistook the location for Café de Paris. In a heart-to-heart conversation with the mother and father – posted to Paltrow’s Instagram account several minutes later – Paltrow said she did not feel like she had chosen Nosara; she felt Nosara had chosen her.
This particular Instagram post was deleted less than 30 minutes later after more than 9000 pretty hilarious comments about the two small children in the background who were rubbing each other’s heads with sex toys.
Many Nosarans we spoke with lamented the passing of Black Box, noting that Price Smart ‘could not fill the gap’. Nosara Lately can confirm to our readers that Price Smart Liberia is currently out of stock of matte black Land Cruisers; however, the drop-down menu shows one remaining in Escazu.
When Nosara Lately went by the store yesterday morning, we were pleased to find both “This Smells Like My Vagina” candles and triple-battery “Wellness Wands” in stock – both of which are also available on the second floor at Super Nosara, but hard to find without good Spanish.
As Paltrow stepped outside and waved goodbye to the family, she announced to a small gathering of dog walkers and random stoners from the skatepark, “Pink is the color of the vulva. Pink is the frequency of orgasm.”
Before she could continue, half of a sandwich from Scarpettas flew out of nowhere, hitting her squarely in the face. The sandwich – reflecting the Scarpettas commitment to fresh ingredients and the freshest of bread – remained completely intact, and fell to the ground, where it was immediately set upon by several dogs.
As seasoned journalists, with years of studying the grassy knoll videos from the JFK assassination, we knew to look quickly in the direction of the projectile. Our eyes found Corrie Wilson, of Swill Wines, who began to rip into Paltrow with language we cannot in good conscience repeat – clearly articulating her point of view that there was only room for one Pink-branded business in North Guiones, and that Paltrow could take her pink little yoni eggs and –
Well, you get the idea.
By noon, Paltrow’s lawyers had filed suit against Corrie for aggravated assault with a sandwich. Corrie had filed suit for “brand plagiarism, brand dilution, brand confusion, and brand hijacking.” A “Paltrow’s Prosciutto” half-sandwich special – including tomato soup – had been posted on Scarpettas’ Instagram. Wellness Wands were selling briskly, and – carried by candle – the scent of Gwyneth’s vagina had drifted all the way down to Gabi’s Place.
Meanwhile, over at JenStones, Jen Stone – close friend of Carrie and second cousin to Gwynneth – felt deeply troubled. She had been following the drama all morning on Instagram and could see that it was time for someone to step up and lead the healing. She fired up Canva and minutes later, the town was uniting behind her Instagram post for the “Pink Healing Concert” to be held that evening at Chanchos – with more than 60 likes, several thumbs ups, and one person asking if Taku would be playing.
Paltrow’s lawyers immediately issued a takedown order for the post. Carrie posted three white words on a clean pink background: No Fucking Way. Taku saw the comment on Jen’s post and replied with 3 fireworks emojis.
The concert went off at Chancho’s yesterday evening as planned. With neither Paltrow nor Carrie in place, hopes for a fistfight between the two had faded, along with attendance. A smattering of locals and tourists were in place, barbeque was enjoyed by all, and Stone performed for ninety minutes under the peaceful twinkly lights of the Chancho’s stage.
The healing had begun.
