Nosara Lately can now confirm that Rich Burnham – beloved host of Bearded Guy Checks the Surf and dude-who-fucked-up-the-four-million-dollar-Paltrow deal – has emerged from the jungle unharmed, and has now told his story.
Allow us to set the scene, gentle reader.
We were sitting in the luxurious underground bunker beneath the Nosara police station this morning, enjoying the AC and listening to Forensics Specialist Felipe Mendoza Rivas describe how they were closing in on Burnham by focusing on the mysterious Australian voice heard egging Burnham on during his calls to Palterow.
“We put 2 and 2 together,” Rivas was saying, leaning back in his chair. “The voice was telling Mr. Burnham to ‘Rise Up’. That ‘This was His Time’. We knew these phrases were standard marketing phrases for 3 very different things – men’s groups, white supremacists, and erectile dysfunction drugs.” He smiled. “We ruled out the last two pretty quickly. That left us with an Aussie who leads Men’s Groups,” said Rivas, smiling. “Kyle Mitchri.”
Rivas leaned forward and said confidentially, “We are suspecting some overlap between those three groups in this case. But that would be a separate investigation.”
Having been deluged for weeks now on Instagram with images of bare-chested men gathering in primal darkness, moving across beaches, rising purposefully up out of various bodies of water, and putting their arms around each other in manly ways, we knew exactly where Kyle was. He was running his week-long Rise Up and Claim Your Chest Hair men’s retreat, with archery, sourdough bread baking, naked fire rituals, and a full night devoted to tracking down old girlfriends online and apologizing.
We said our goodbyes to Rivas and headed that way. We very much hoped to find Kyle and Rich baking bread, and not dancing naked around a fire. We tried to shake this disturbing image. Then our phone buzzed.
It was a text from Rich.
We found him behind the window at Scarpettas, finishing off a Mama Guoanna. “I had to get out of there, you know,” he said, chewing reflectively, and looking out the window. “It started out ok, but then kinda turned into loincloths and mosquitoes and a lot of sharing around the fire. Not really my thing.” He paused, then looked at us, and then said,
“I really fucked things up, didn’t I.”
We nodded, but said nothing. This was Rich’s story. We wanted him to tell it.
“Kyle had me going. It was the first day, and we were owning our truths. All the other guys were talking about their dads. All I could think about was three-chambered sceptic tanks and Bio-nest systems. So when it came my turn, that’s what I said. Kyle started doing that Kyle thing, you know? Saying Rise up, brother. Your Time is Now. So I rose up, and started to say something about the Bio-Nest pre-filter, but then they all started hugging me, and Kyle handed me my phone, and kept saying Speak Your Truth, so I did…I called Gwynneth … it went to voicemail and I told her that, you know, if I could just talk about sceptic systems on the podcast once in a while – just when it’s on my heart…..the voicemail ran out and I hadn’t really finished explaining, so I called her back. I got halfway through what I was trying to say, and she picked up, told me the deal was off. Said she knew it, that I wasn’t over it, and never would be. And then she hung up.”
Having told his story, Rich seemed relieved. He had spoken his truth. He took the last bite of his sandwich and asked us to fill him in on the last few days. We related all the news. Paltrow’s lawsuit. Andres’ pro-bono defense. Jimbo Truing, somewhere in Finland, with 40 girls taking care of his dog. The red sneakers and cookies coming in from all over the world. The GoFundMe campaign for Truing’s eye transplant. Rich began to tear up, overcome with the goodness of this little town.
“I’m not sure it’s Paltrow’s kind of place.” He said. He paused.
“But the art-deco escalators up to the second floor. That was a really good idea. We might have to do that.”
