NL: Hi everyone, glad you could make it. Today, we are going to be breaking down all the strange things that have been going on lately in Nosara, so we invited two of Nosara’s best-known conspiracy theorists in for a chat: Juan, the bartender at Howlers, and Pura Vida Andy. Juan, I know I saw you just last night, but how are you?
Juan: Ahh, good, good Warren, thanks for having me.
NL: Andy, good to see you, welcome. Let’s get right into it. Just yesterday, Rich Burnham emerged from the jungle unharmed, so I guess that’s one less topic we need to cover –
Andy: Well, not so fast, not so fast, Warren. You heard what the police said. They think there might be ties between Kyle Mitchri’s Rise Up and Claim Your Chest Hair men’s retreats and erectile dysfunction drugs, possibly even white supremacy groups. And we don’t really know what happened to Rich while he was gone.
Juan: Wait, what? Neo-nazis? Erectile dysfunction? Did I miss something?
Andy: Nosara police said in their report that three distinct groups use the same marketing phrases. “ Rise Up.” and “Your Time is Now, Brother.” Neo-nazis, dark web drug dealers, and men’s coaches. Can’t believe that so few people paid attention to that part of the story. You guys – (Andy points at us) – have some work to do.
NL: (laughing) Ok. We’ll get right on that. Juan, what are you hearing about this whole Become Nosara paranormal thing? More than 400 people have gone into Become Nosara and never come out.
Juan: Yea, that’s some freaky shit, man. I feel bad for those people. And the cops, man, they are refusing to go in. They say there’s bad juju on that place. Guy I know tried to fly a couple drones over there a couple days ago, lost them all.
NL: Yea, we ran into him the other day. He’s hired Andres to sue the state of Texas.
(laughter)
Andy: Guys, that right there, that Texas National Guard battalion thing – that’s what’s really keeping me up at night. I mean, what the hell were they doing here, and why did they go into Become Nosara? You think no one up in the States is gonna notice that a full battalion of the Texas National Guard has gone missing? And that’s not all – we got Venezuelan drug boats getting blown up. Pamela Bondi talking about Nosara on TV –
Juan: She’s kinda hot. Gotta say.
(Everyone nods.)
Andy: Agreed. But it’s the crazy kinda hot, right? Y’know? I mean, she’s waaay out there on the curve. And when she shows up at the pressroom with an automatic weapon, holy shit…
(Everyone laughs and nods again)
Andy (continuing): So you have Bondi on TV talking about Nosara, the Texas National Guard, and now you have these crocodiles with backpacks full of cocaine swimming up the river in South Guiones.
NL: Well, that’s not really been –
Juan: What? Backpacks full of cocaine?
Andy: (looking at us) Yea, you guys didn’t really run the full story, did you. (turning to Juan) Juan, 5 dogs got taken by crocs the last 2 weeks, and then some six-year-old kid shoots a picture of one with her mom’s phone. And the croc has a backpack on. A Dora the Explorer backpack. Stuffed with cocaine. You guys don’t think this is all ties together somehow? Drug boats getting bombed, National Guard, Bondi, and crocs with cocaine?
Juan: How do you know it was cocaine?
Andy: What do you think it was? School books? Croc was on his way to school?
(Laughter)
NL: No one knows for sure what was in the backpack –
Juan: The dog part, oh man. I got a friend whose dog got hit. Got rag-dolled by a croc. He had to put him down. He didn’t say nothing about backpacks and cocaine, though. I did hear about some bricks getting washed up down in South Guiones though. Wanna hear the funny part about that?
NL: Sure.
Juan: Those Real Estate companies, the ones that are taking over South Guoines, they had a drone filming some promo shots the other day. Guy turns over the SD card to them and they got back to the office and popped it in their laptop and whaddya know, there were bricks floating around in – like – almost all the photos. So then they had, like, this crisis meeting about it – all of them – and they all agreed to photoshop out the bricks – but they also all agreed to keep the originals, that these could be good to use for – (Juan air quotes these next words) ‘certain qualified clients’.
(Everyone laughs)
NL: Ok guys, not much time left, let’s get a lightning round in. Ready?
(Nods from both)
NL: Ok. Gwynneth Paltrow.
Juan: I don’t get it. Why do people think she’s pretty? Who wants to smell her vagina candles anyway?
Andy: Good for Nosara though. For tourists, she makes the place look safe. Crocs, cocaine, National Guard disappearing – bad looks. Gwnneth – good look.
Juan: Damn, I dunno man. That’s kinda over the top. Tico’s can’t pay those prices. That’s some Gringo overreach, you ask me.
Andy: Agreed. I don’t think it lasts. Just like the no dogs on the beach thing. And once they take over for ICE, they won’t have the staff.
NL: 400 DJ’s
Juan: That’s still enough. I don’t get what everyone’s upset about. Hawke gets all the jobs anyway. What’s that about, anyhow? Is he the only DJ that gringos feel safe around?
Andy: It’s his Instagram page. He’s like, the Eckhard Tolle of Nosara. My wife loves it. I tell her it’s just the Wisdom AI app spitting out 5 quotes each day, but she doesn’t care.
Juan (laughing): Man I still cannot get over that ‘baby goat meat’ thing, where that Wisdom AI swapped in ‘baby goat meat’ for ‘cacao’ in that Instagram post for the Claim Your Vagina Social Marketing Goddess Retreat …
(Laughter)
Andy: Was that a Kyle Mitchri thing? I thought he just did men’s groups.
Juan: Not Kyle. They were just stealing his phrasing.
NL: Ok, guys, last one. Morphic field.
Juan: I don’t wanna say anything about that one man. That’s some weird shit. Don’t want no Morphic Field in my kitchen.
Andy: You guys know about Portland and Austin, right? The Morphic Field came, but it never left. It rented office space and started bidding on city contracts. They do, like, half of Portland’s recycling program now. And in Austin, they –
NL: Ok, Andy, we are going to have to pick that up next time. Thanks for coming in guys. It’s been great having you – – – Between Two Palms.
