Headshop Lawyer – top-rated locally on TripAdvisor for immigration papers, smoking accessories, and Delta 9 gummies – has now added a “5 Minute Express Divorce” package to her deep bench of legal and smoke-related products, noting that the “5 minutes” applies to qualified clients only.
“That’s pretty much anyone who is building a house in Guiones,” said Headshop Lawyer. “It’s the same story for all of them.”
“They arrive to build their dream home. Within months, their architect has vanished. Bam. $200k up in smoke. Sceptic permit? LOL. Rejected. Builder goes bankrupt. Asada? Water moratorium. ICE shows up, and wants them to ‘donate’ a transformer. Second builder goes bankrupt. Then, before you know it, spouse starts taking three-hour private surf lessons with some dreadlocked bro she met at Ya-Ya’s.”
She sighed, “The template pretty much wrote itself.”
She lifted the one-page document and began to read.
“Headshop Lawyer Standard 5-minute Divorce. Please answer all questions. Name of surf instructor. Description of his tattoos. Description of his board. Instagram handle, if he has one. Initial construction budget. First Builder. Second builder. First Lawyer. Second Lawyer. Months/years behind schedule. Total losses to date. ”
She dropped the paper back on her desk. “Nosara. Where relationships go to die”.
“And lawyers like me add drive-up windows to handle the traffic.”
She was not joking about the drive-up window. We had seen the crew putting in the final touches on our way in. But we thought it was for the headshop.
“It’s for both,” she acknowledged. “A lot of these stoners have a hard time getting out of their cars.”
She went on. “Clients who upload identity papers in advance can just pull past the window, fill out the template, drop it in the dropbox, and basta. Fully divorced,” said Hildago. “1100 bucks. Includes a swag bag with either Delta 9 gummies or a 5-toke vape pen.”
On our way out, we saw a late-model black Land Rover just pulling up. The construction guys got out of the way. The driver’s window went down, an arm reached out, and took a template from the box. Then it reached for the ballpoint pen that hung from the chain.
Oh, Nosara.
Nosara.
Nosara.
