For months now, the steady increase in the local howler population has supplied area residents with the feel-good story we all needed. The catastrophic decline in the local DJ population over the past months has left many of us despondent and psychologically unmoored. Alcohol sales have increased, personal massage numbers are up, and several we know have even attempted to take their own lives by signing up for drawing classes at Campo.
“It’s not just your imagination”, said local biologist and the one-good-single-man-left-in-Nosara, Daniel Valverde Salas. “The howler numbers are way up.”
Salas’s words confirmed for us the hard evidence emerging from North Guiones, where the-guy-who -is-always-taking-up -the-bench at Puro Pizza has been telling everyone for weeks now that ‘there are way more monkeys hanging out up in the wires than before.’
“It’s the Magic Cookie Butter,” said Salas, quietly. “It’s made its way into the wild.”
Magic Cookie Butter – the wildly popular crossover child of chocolate-flavored condoms and Crisco – is fueling the new low-calorie, i-can’t-belive-it’s-a-dick trend that local Instagram influencer and entrepreneur James Swill saw coming a mile away. Easy to apply – and great tasting too – Magic Cookie Butter invention has become Swill’s secret sauce, smoothly lubricating both his entry and rapidly-deepening penetration of the highly-lucrative Guys-With-Beards-Selling-Shit-on-Instagram niche.
“He’s blazing a trail for all of us,” said Rich Burnham, bearded Instagram guy himself and beloved local host of Bearded-Guy-Checks-the-Surf. “Total Body Shaver could never have happened without him.”
All is not entirely well in the land of Cookie Butter, however. Alert readers will remember the drumbeat of CDC warnings about Magic Cookie Butter (MCB) that were suddenly silenced earlier this year, when the Trump administration defunded the CDC – with Pam Bondi saying to a packed press room, “Diseases in some far-off African country? Lol. Cry me a river.”
Crazy hot. Like, way off the curve. But back to the topic at hand.
The CDC warnings about Magic Cookie Butter were unmistakable: should Magic Cookie Butter cross over into the wild, the balance of the species could not be guaranteed. This now appears to be exactly the situation in Nosara.
Salas walked us through his theory. A jar of Magic Cookie Butter fell out of a tuk-tuk somewhere in K-Section, was spotted by a nearby howler, and quickly discovered to be not food but – well – Magic Cookie Butter. Our adult readers will understand what we mean.
Asked how he came to this theory, Salas shrugged and said, “Not really that complicated. Tuk-Tuk Hunk. He’s in and out of K every day. You’ve seen that sticker on his Tuk Tuk, right?”
Indeed, we had. At first, we thought it was a decal of two ICE workers erecting a transformer pole. Closer inspection proved us wrong.
With his rugged good looks, boyish smile, and classic 2007 leather-topped ride, Tuk-Tuk Hunk has been a key visual in MCB’s content marketing strategy. But now, with MCB having crossed over into the wild and the Guiones monkey population doubling every six weeks, cracks are starting to appear in the well-oiled MCB content machine. User-driven viral content showing hordes of monkeys running loose on 160 and attacking random Tuk-Tuks in search of MCB has completely taken over online algorithms.
“It’s a real problem for them,” said Taco truck owner Tai Sundance, himself a local online content legend. “Monkey swarms are a bad look. Tough to come back from that.”
As night fell on K-Section, residents locked their remaining Magic Cookie Butter away in well-hidden safes. The cries of monkeys could be heard all around. Reading lights were slowly turned off, and the few unlubricated encounters that began were quickly abandoned.
Magic Cookie Butter had crossed over into the wild – and no one knew what would come next.
