The iconic Beach Frog lashed out at Nosara Lately today, saying that “there is no chance in hell” that The Frog will be rebranded as a Denny’s restaurant. Threatening that their Dad would beat us up if we didn’t take it all back, they told us to retract our story – because you know, Everyone Who Reads Nosara Lately totally believes that We Are Serious About Everything.
The Denny’s plan – submitted quietly to municipal authorities last month by a mysterious Toronto real estate developer – and reported by Nosara Lately as Something that is Definitely, Totally Gonna Happen – – Pinkie-Swear, We Are Serious – called for 25 paved parking spaces and a dedicated cold-plunge facility. In a nod to local indigenous groups, tables were to be cleared away to allow for ecstatic dance on Sunday mornings after the Grand Slam Breakfast menu was finished.
Deeply sorry as always for Any Misunderstanding that Might Have Occurred, Nosara Lately trundled down to clear the air with the dark and humorless forces of Mordor’s Castle, who clearly are of the opinion that a new Denny’s in Guiones with a 25-car paved lot that prevents crocodiles from hunting tourists and small children is not a funny idea.
“That was a stupid and not funny at all idea for a stupid article by a stupid local satirical paper that nobody likes or reads,” said longtime Beach Frog owner and beefed-up-dude-with-no-humor-at-all Marlo Dechamps. “We will continue to provide the same wholesome, family-friendly atmosphere, overpriced beach chairs, and useless floaty toys that we have been providing for 134 years. ” Asked if the stupid, humorless article had any redeeming features at all, DeChamps grudgingly said, “That line about three different levels on pricing – Ticos, locals, and tourists. First time I’ve heard of that. That’s genius.”
When pressed on whether the Beach Frog would adopt the increasingly widespread local indigenous tradition of ‘energy exchange’ DeChamps demurred. “We’d love to do that. We deeply respect all the indigenous traditions of the magical Nosara fam. But hippies and freaks don’t really do much for our bottom line.”
Several locals are still voicing concern to Nosara Lately about the drainage ditch just north of the Beach Frog that runs towards Blue Zone – which for years has provided vital access for the crocodile that regularly hunts down tourists and small children during the rainy season. DeChamps assured this very stupid and totally unfunny publication that there is no such crocodile, and the Beach Frog would sue any stupid publication that says so, even if everyone and their fucking cousin can totally see that it’s a joke.
